When Justice Fails the Children: PART III, Kristy's story by Debra Sanders

Part III:When Justice Fails the Children
Kristy's Story by Debra Sanders

It had been a long time since I had told the story of Kristy and of her impact on me personally as well as professionally. Only when someone was involved in my life in a very intimate way did I find myself talking of those years—of my anguish when Kristy was hidden away, my fear for what was happening behind the closed doors of her house and of the incredible sense of powerlessness I felt at not being able to do anything to help her when every fiber in me screamed that I, and the system, were failing her. Only when someone had entered into the most sacred and trusting of relationships with me, did I talk about Kristy or reveal the extreme shock and anxiety that came with being investigated for the very crime I railed against on behalf of the children I saw every day.

And only once did I ever tell the story publicly. Though I hadn’t planned to reveal my experience with Kristy, I found myself telling my story of being investigated to an audience of over three hundred teachers who were attending an inservice I was giving on the teacher’s role and responsibilities with suspected child abuse cases. There had been a comment from a participant regarding the fact that as teachers and educators we really shouldn’t be hugging children anymore and I found myself telling the story of being investigated, of the fear and the anxiety it caused and of my concern throughout the entire ordeal that there was a girl being abused behind closed doors and I was helpless to do anything to help her. The audience was spell bound…riveted into silence by my descriptions of this incredibly bright, sparkling and yet damaged child. I distinctly remember ending with this:

“I tell you this story, the first time I have ever told it publicly, for a reason. Two reasons actually. First, I want you to know that this sort of thing could happen to you…it happened to me and yes, it could happen to you. But secondly, and more importantly, I tell it because I want you to know I still hug children in school and I always will. Children are affectionate by nature and they hug those that they love. If we are doing our jobs as we should be, then our students often associate their love of learning with us. And often the most vulnerable children love us simply because we are kind to them, because we do not abuse them. And they hug us, sometimes they even cling to us.

I, for one, will always return that hug and I will continue to place my hand on a child’s shoulder if it is appropriate to do so for reasons of control or gaining a child’s attention. And if a young child takes my hand on the playground, I will happily let that little hand rest inside of mine. I will never let the fear of a false accusation interfere with my providing treatment, education or kindness to a child and especially for those of you who work with elementary aged children; hugs are one of the ways that children communicate.

That said, I will tell you that I do some things differently now, and I take precautions and preventative steps that I would have never thought to take prior to this happening to me. For one, I will never again agree to work in an office that does not have a window in the door, nor will I cover the window if there is one. I will make sure that if I am seeing a child alone that the time spent together is well documented; and if I have a particularly high risk student like this again, I might consider videotaping all the sessions. I would advise that as teachers you think about what precautions you can take as well, but I urge you to please, not make one of them the removal of physical affection to the children under our care. We didn’t enter into our jobs in education only to educate the minds of our students, but to embrace all aspects of them and to help them learn to trust in and navigate their way through the world. Sometimes, more than any lesson, conversation or lecture, a hug is the most powerful tool we have to give.”

And indeed, for the next decade (plus) of my career, I continued to give and receive hugs from students without hesitation and without regret. I never told the story publicly again, and as I said, though Kristy remained actively alive in my thoughts, I rarely spoke of her, though I was frequently known to tell many funny and tender stories of my many other students over the years (without violating confidentiality of course).

It had been years since I had told the story of Kristy either privately or publicly, but for some reason last summer, I told the story to Merrilyne—the one who calls me OM or OMmie, for Other Mother. I don’t even remember right now what prompted me to tell it, but I did—it was the night before she left to head back to graduate school in Montana.

To my utter astonishment, two days later, the following email shows up in my mailbox:

"I realize you might not want to have any contact with me, but I just wanted to write and thank you for all the help you gave me. I miss you. Love, Kristy"

To say I was stunned is a significant understatement. I was absolutely blown away. I mean, how strange is that timing? I speak of her for the first time in probably ten years and within 48 hours I have an email from her. Not write her back? Unthinkable. Of course I wrote her back.

And thus began what grew into one of the most remarkable, purest, most incredible relationships I am ever likely to have on this earth.And indeed, when she wrote this time, Kristy was about to turn thirty and she wanted to tell me the rest of the story.

TBC. Read on to find out some of the things Kristy told me. Of the torture she endured in order not to make that accusation, the child she became pregnant with and was forced to "throw in a landfill," and the multiple personalities she developed to cope with such extreme abuse.

Remember Anita?

(all photos taken from the web, google search for images)

First of all, I have to say that there are many things I respect about Sarah Palin. Were it not for the fact that she is Dr. Dobson in a skirt and dancing with McCain, she would have my vote. She did, after all, take on (and uproot) the deeply rooted, long-seeded good old boys club in Alaska. This is no small feat. I know. I lived there for nearly two decades.

There is truth in the old adage, "A picture is worth a thousand words” and I promised myself I would simply post these photos and let the reading audience draw their own conclusions. No need for me type 500 words of rhetoric when a quick glance says it all. But, I cannot do it. I can’t help it. I find myself compelled to spit out the words that are itching to escape from my finger tips. So here goes:

I respect Palin in that she is feisty as all get-out. When running for Governor, Mrs. Palin was asked what she would do with the state’s new jet. Her reply? “I will figure out the best way to get rid of it.”

And once elected, that is exactly what she did. I applaud that. I applaud that loudly. Clearly, Palin puts her money where her mouth is and she is seemingly unafraid of pissing people off—even very powerful people. Like the media, for example.

Generally speaking, Palin strikes me as a bold, adventuresome, no-nonsense, take-an-ethical-stand kind of woman. The kind of woman I have tried to be for the better part of my life.

And herein resides the rub, because Palin is all those things and she is unafraid to champion for those causes in which she believes. The problem is: nearly everything Sarah Palin believes in, I do not.

Sarah Palin is most definitely dynamic (in keeping with the website...she is indeed a woman with panache); and I fear that this is precisely what makes her so dangerous.

I have been appalled to see women I know, women I respect, giggly with excitement over her nomination. They relate to her, they say. She is real, I am being told. True, she might be a smart beauty queen, they say, but no need to hold that against her because, in the words of one of my dearest neighbors: “I’ll bet she won’t take shit from anyone… especially her husband.” These women, my neighbors whom I adore, are talking about voting for Sarah Palin for no reason other than she is a woman they could imagine in their home.

I spent the better part of this afternoon with my passion in high gear, informing said neighbors that while Palin's persona might indeed be one they feel at home with, her politics reside in outer space relative to theirs. I know the politics of these women. We live on the same street. We’ve had many a discussion over cold margaritas and roasted marshmallows. They support gay rights, they are pro choice; they are women’s rights activists.

“Do you know that Sarah Palin went on record September 1 as supporting McCain’s opposition of the Fair Pay Restoration Act? Are you aware this means she OPPOSES legislating equal pay for women? That she thinks the 180-day limit for filing complaints in unfair wage disputes is a just time period?”

I was not subtle in my stance.There is a reason that The National Organization of Women does not support Sara Palin as the vice presidential choice.

“But she has a child with Down Syndrome. She’ll be really good for kid’s rights, for special needs and stuff. You have to like that.” This from a friend who knows I have spent the better part of the last twenty-five years championing for the rights of kids with special needs.

Truth is, according to the record, Sarah Palin isn’t all that great of a champion for education (she thinks No Child Left Behind is working); nor for kids with special needs (though I’ve no doubt that as Trig nears pre-school age, she will become one). This, from another blog, summarizes it well:
http://www.thehealthcareblog.com/the_health_care_blog/2008/09/where-does-sara.html)

“The Bush Administration in August of 2007 issued a controversial ban on coverage of children in moderate-income families and twice vetoed bills to reauthorize and expand the State Children’s Health Insurance Program. SCHIP is a popular, bi-partisan program. Sixty-eight Senators, including 18 Republicans, voted for the SCHIP reauthorization bill that President Bush vetoed (Senate vote). John McCain, however, stood with the President. (Emphasis my own) So, along with knowing about Sarah Palin’s personal decision to have a child with Down Syndrome, it also would be good know if she agrees with her candidate’s decision to stand with President Bush against expanding the State Children’s Health Insurance Program.”

And from the same blog:

“Palin did not support a bill this year that would have brought Alaska's coverage of children to 200% of the federal poverty level, as 45 states already have done…. Gov. Palin didn't "expand" health insurance by any means. She merely brought children's Medicaid/SCHIP income eligibility levels to current dollar values. In fact her Health Care Strategies Planning Council wasn't even ready to make recommendations on insurance coverage...what health care strategies did she want them to plan? If Gov. Palin can't support expanding coverage in Alaska, will she support expanding coverage for the nation? "

Fair question. In fact, were Palin to waltz into the White House and stand beside her man (McCain, not Todd); families who fall within a middle income bracket will continue to struggle to get health care for their children with special needs.

This from a woman in Ohio, who has a nine year old daughter with Down syndrome: (http://www.thehealthcareblog.com/the_health_care_blog/2008/09/where-does-sara.html

“…our income is several thousand less than 75k per year. As a matter of fact, we were less than $200 away from Medicaid eligibility! …My daughter has no option of private healthcare, since she has a genetic condition. The group plan I was part of when she was born did not want to continue full coverage on her because the medical bills were so extensive. We ARE a working class income family, we both work hard to provide, yet we have NO ACCESS to healthcare for our daughter. Her medical bills would astound you…. (we) pay $100 for 20 min of speech therapy, $22,000 bill for a 6 day hospital stay……”

For this woman, and many other families with children who are medically fragile, the thought of Sarah Palin in the white house—regardless of her newly born child with special needs—is a frightening thought. Only North Dakota ranks lower in its State Children’s Health Insurance Program than Alaska. Considering that Alaska has one of the highest fetal alcohol rates in the country, and that in 2002 it was estimated that the average lifetime cost for a person diagnosed within the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum is about two million dollars, it seems to me that satisfactory health care coverage for children would be a lot more important to take on than say...oh, shooting wolves from airplanes in order to have more moose and caribou to hunt.

Shame on Alaska’s governor. North Dakota’s too.

There are so many more things I could point out (and did point out to my neighbors) that upset me about this woman, but I am appalled to see that I have already spouted off, not 500 words, but nearly 1300. So I shall say no more (though I sure do want to!).

Oh, but before I go, let me just say one more thing. Think critically, please! Make it a point to be informed and to inform your neighbors…though of course, remember to do it with a bit of panache!

A Matter of Panache by Debra Sanders

I am one of those people who thinks we all need to do a little bit better when it comes to avoiding the ease and trappings that accepting mediocrity brings. I am a fervent supporter of those who take a stand in effort to make things better for our planet and its no-legged, four-legged, two-legged, winged, single-celled, multi-celled, green, red, black, brown and white inhabitants.

I am also one who has deep respect for those individuals who can do this while demonstrating a little bit of panache, because I’ve learned that displaying passion without panache doesn’t accomplish much.

Not everyone has panache. Genuine panache is kind of like having good skin when you’re sixteen—it’s a remarkable blessing. Not that you’re any less of a person because you don’t have clear skin; it’s just a whole lot easier to get a date if you don’t have to contend with a face covered with obvious blemishes and eruptions.

So it is with panache. If you have it, things in life are just easier. Doors seem to open a little faster, and you can go places and do things that would require a lot more work than if you have, say, a personality that’s kind of.... oily and....you know, inflammatory.

Most of us have met someone during our lifetime with panache. I’m not referring to slick politicians or evangelists who display a kind of practiced and rehearsed (albeit intense and very compelling) sort of magnetism; but rather to the sort of person who displays the kind of genuine charm that turns reluctant bystanders into an avid participants…who seems to inspire affection while fighting for the right things to happen. The person who can advocate for the underdog without coming across like a martyr.

Julia Roberts, as Erin Brockovitch, was a good example of someone with panache. You couldn’t help but like her.

This blog is dedicated to offering people the chance to speak up regarding things they feel passionate about: public education, health care, disability rights, diversity, animal rights, the environment, brain injuries, children, the elderly, kindness. Whatever. But hopefully it’s to be more than a sanctuary with a pulpit from which we each emote, for many of those are already in place.

Here at A Matter of Panache, I hope to create a community where we also learn how to more effectively channel our passions in ways that brings about true reform; a place where we can be both teachers and learners in the art of being, not just passionate, but productively passionate.

So, speak up. Are you one of those individuals who have inspired change—be it within yourself, neighborhood, city or planet? What have been your successes? Where did you go wrong?

Or tell of someone who has impacted you; someone displaying a bit of panache that we can all learn from.

Because when it comes right down to it, I think it’s about more than just being passionate. It’s about displaying our passions in ways that embrace rather than alienates. It's about championing our causes in ways that draw others in and lights the way, making it safer for them to ride our bandwagons.

It's about having both passion and a little bit of panache.